Cliché Central

WICHITA, KAN—-Oft overlooked, we have in our presence creatures who have been recorded in history as being some of the most influential decision-makers in our proud nation’s history. If we as a society had simply listened to their incessant meows of protest, our nation could have been utterly different. Watergate could have been prevented. Toyota brake problems could have been averted. Wild West World would just have never happened. I and a large gamut of professionals are beginning to see the values and benefits of cats.

     “They are just too vital to be overlooked,” Florida State University language professor Jason Seagel said. “They are and have been a vital part of our economy for years. I don’t comprehend the sudden movement against these felines.”

     Seagel, 54, currently owns 6 cats, 4 of which are the same breed, off-white calico. He believes that the cats provide him security and companionship in his small Tallahassee loft.

     “I find myself spending weekends that I could be spending with my friends with my cats,” Seagel said. “It’s quite addicting.”

     Seagel believes that our society has been slowly on the decline with cat ownership over the past few years. In fact, according to a recent Gallup poll, cat popularity has dropped from 32% in 2000 to a mere 17% in 2010.

     “To be truly honest with you, I’m a little concerned about where our nation is headed,” Seagel told reporters while brushing “Gertrude.” “Without cats, what are we? Men? Or savages?”

     In response to the declining popularity of the domestic cat, representatives from the America Cat Appreciation Troop (A-CAT) proposed a new bill to the House of Representatives March 12. The bill, entitled “America Cat Liberty Act,” would obligate every American home to adopt a feline of their own. The controversial bill was met with hot retort from Senator Sheldon Whitehouse (D) of Rhode Island.

     “We cannot force our citizens to adopt one of these sneezing, stinking hairballs,” Whitehouse said. “Even the name contradicts itself. How is it liberty if we force each child to adopt?”

     In addition to protests in Washington, the bill is hitting hard in the hard-hit areas of America.

     “In these tough economic times, we just can’t afford a cat,” athlete Barry Bonds said. “We already have two dogs and a cat would just upset the balance. Tip the scale, and you have a cat-astrophe on your hands.”

     The House is scheduled to take a vote on the bill March 21, but the meeting will be adjourned until later in the day, so that the Congressmen have an equal opportunity to watch March Madness on TV, according to House majority speaker Nancy Pelosi.

     “I wish these comments to remain anonymous,” Pelosi said. “But if you ask me I think this bill hasn’t got a DOGGONE chance to pass. I’d give it the same odds as Arkansas beating North Carolina in the NCAA tournament. Oh yeah, that’s right, they’re not even in it.”

     Seagel believes that, even if the bill does not pass, it will attract the attention cat-owners have been needing for years.

     “People need to appreciate the true value that comes with the cat,” Seagel said. “Hopefully they’ll realize now. By the way, if there are any foxy cat-lovers out there, give me a holler, and we can meet at my kitty condo, if you know what I mean.”

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