Cliché Central

What up with this? Why is it that I am getting static shocked by basically everything recently? And it’s only around my house too. It’s gotten to the point that, if you measured how much electricity I receive daily, you could probably power a light bulb with it. It started off easy enough but it’s escalated to unprecedented levels as of late. At first it was just your simple “touch the light switch, get a little shock” kind of shock, and it would only happen every now and then, especially when I wore a fleece pullover or something. Over the past few weeks it has escalated though, so now whenever I touch something I basically expect a shock and just hope it won’t be too painful. Every single time I touch my computer I get shocked. I don’t even touch the computer either! If I’m anywhere from 4 inches or so from the computer it’s fair game for a static shock or two. Often I won’t even touch it, but I’ll just see the little blue spark jump out at my unsuspecting hand. I’m used to it now, but it’s still NOT fun! I’ve grown to be kind of like a mouse in a maze; I’m kind of scared to touch anything metal, much less a gas pump! Who knows what happen there? I could light myself on fire for crying out loud and last time I checked that’s not fun and I’ve never seen a fire extinguisher at the gas station, so that’s a no go. I can’t touch the TV without getting a medium-sized shock, so I always try to use the remote, and stay at least 2 feet from the TV at all times. It’s difficult cuz I have to avoid certain areas of the basement, like anything metal, which is about 1/2 of the room. It even happens when I’m listening to my MP3 player. The other day I was listening to some Young Money and I got a little shock in my right ear and I thought it was pretty strange because I’ve never gotten shocked in my ear before. Hurts. I shrugged it off and put the earbuds back on, and a few seconds later I got another, stronger shock, and at that point I threw the player across the room, where it (thankfully) landed on a blanketed couch. As I checked back later, the little metal part where the speaker is got bent from the shock it delivered to my ear. So I was a little paranoid about using those earbuds for a while. My mom got a little concerned that I was receiving so much electricity, so she proposed a cause for my electrically charged dilemma. First she said I dance too much, especially jerkin’ because that rubs your feet into the floor, I wear too many fleece jackets, and I need to start using shampoo with conditioner? I’m not sure what conditioner had to do with it, but either way I went to Walmart and got some shampoo with conditioner to use, hoping it would ease my shock problems.

Then for a while the shocks ceased, and I got excited because I was finally like the rubber to the electricity that plagued me. That is, until one night I was plugging the USB cord for my MP3 player into my computer. Before it got plugged in all the way, I saw a big blue spark go from the plug into the hole, shocking me and at the same time shorting out my computer.. At least it started up again and my MP3 player is surprisingly good at resisting these electric shocks, like it hasn’t blown up yet at least. Then things went back to normal, even though I was using the conditioner. I kept getting shocked all the time again, so I tried grounding myself on metal before touching anything, but that just got me shocked even more for some reason. Now I try to really lift my feet whenever I walk anywhere and try not to wear as much fleece. Nothing seems to work!

Then tonight, I was gonna listen to my MP3 player again, using those same iPod earbuds, when I realized my player was all out of batteries, so I got the cable to plug it into the wall. I was still wearing the earbuds when I plugged it in, and as soon as I did, I got this really big shock to both my left and right ears. That one hurt! I took off the earbuds and then pushed the player away, getting shocked again just by touching it. This time the earbuds didn’t fare as well. Not only did the metal part get dented on the right earbud, but it completely separated the speaker from the rest of the earbud, so now its just kinda hangin there. I think it still works but I don’t wanna put that in my ear, or risk a full out explosion in my ear. The sound is really staticky (go figure) and so now I can only really listen with the left earbud, which surprisingly wasn’t damaged. I think I’m just gonna have to make the investment to get new earbuds (without any trace of metal in them at all).

It’s probably just because it’s wintertime that I’m getting all this shock; it doesn’t ever happen in any other season. But I like to think of it this way: what they’ve always said about me is true… I guess I just have an electrifying personality.